Posted by: exmstmember2009 | January 8, 2010

Letter from The Meek Servant


Responses

  1. This is such a sweet letter. It makes me remember the feelings I had every day when I drove to the lodge at Deerfield in Dahlonega, Georgia, to have dinner with all of the other Ministry of the Spirit of Truth members.
    This letter reminds me of all the things I lost when we discovered the true nature of the Ministry of the Spirit of Truth, when we discovered the true purpose of Grant Clarke, Jane Clarke and Gregg Hake
    1) As I was driving the other day I started to cry, with no reason, and I stopped immediately, automatically, “crying is no good” is what my subconscious said when you complain, when you let your feelings control you, you are giving your back to the Lord.
    When was the last time I cried, I really cried, with all my heart? 10 year ago maybe,.
    So, I lost my ability to cry
    2) I attended a conference at a very famous Chiropractor’s office and he was helping us with a guided meditation. He said: think about that which is bothering you, and imagine the Lord is there to help you.
    I started to get desperate, who is the Lord? the Lord for me is stained with the image of Gregg Hake (our business Lord), Jane Clarke (the Bible woman who told us all those weird stories about the Bible) and the ultimate Grant Clarke, our representation of the Lord on earth.
    I have lost my connection with God, I don’t know who God is, if God’s representative on earth took away money and peoples hearts and the purest feelings, then I don’t want to connect with God. I thought I came here to change the world, I thought I came here to complete a mission that was not yet completed by others who came earlier like Moses, Joseph, and Jesus, I thought this was the time I and others with the same passion could really make a change. But the change we were making is turning a guy, Gregg Hake, who came with no money to be part of the Ministry, to become a powerful, heartless, stinky rich guy.
    So, I lost God, I lost my connection with him and I still tremble by the only mention of His Name.
    4) Who am I, why am I here, what am I doing here? I was trained, I was a God Being and everyone on earth is a God Being. I thought that Grant Clarke and Gregg Hake were the pure expressions of God Being, so perfect, so wonderful. They betrayed me and many others. Now, I don’t see God Being in anybody, I don’t trust people, I know if those whom I gave my heart, my soul, my passion betrayed me, I can’t ever trust anybody.
    Is that called Spiritual Rape?? I do feel raped, removed of hope, of purpose and of God.
    Is there a lawyer who can bring me that back?
    Maybe a law suite action can return our money, but maybe only time and lots of therapy will return my trust, my purpose and God back to me.

    • My Dear Crossover Point,

      You have beautifully articulated some of my deepest thoughts and feelings over these years. When I think of all the abuses – financial, ethical, physical, etc., the one with the most long-lasting personal consequence has been the spiritual abyss that I found myself in, post-MST.
      Whenever I hear the words “God” or “Lord”, my mind and feeling level goes immediately to seeing and hearing Grant or Gregg’s face/words, and I cannot separate them. Knowing the level of violation that has occurred as I read this blog and feel what occurred over time in my own experience, my mind still makes the connection at the sub-conscious level that GOD/LORD = Grant/Gregg = violation/betrayal, etc.
      What often occurs afterward are nightmares and dreams, and a sense of dissociation from present reality, which can be very disorienting. This is called PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

      And you are correct – it is exceedingly hard to trust anyone, anything, any company, any religious or spiritual teaching. After all, we believed we had all received the supreme, ultimate TRUTH beyond any other…how can anything ever measure up again?

      Compounding this was the deepest sense of isolation – not being able to talk to anyone about any of this. I believed that I was the only one who felt this way. Maybe it was even my fault that the ministry collapsed- I wasn’t committed/pure enough, etc…so blame and casting myself down completed the picture of the spiritual void I found myself in after many years of utter self-less service to this process.

      Could I have done more? -yes and no- I now know I did more than enough to support the process, and yet it was, by design, “never enough”.

      And yes, the connections with the people were so special, but those connections are difficult to maintain without the ongoing substance of experience to sustain them.

      Still, life goes on and I have found it imperative to rebuild and restore one’s upward connection, because that has never gone away.

      The True Reality of God still loves you and has never forsaken you.
      I know it will take some time to realize this. It is not simply enough to read these words, but the day will come when the light will shine from within and you will KNOW once again that GOD IS. As Young Leader suggests, it is a time to really come to know who you are from within, and to cultivate that experience. Also, it is important to learn how to ask questions, and not accept things at face value – to activate your B.S. meter. The one thing (unfortunately) that I had apparently turned off early on!!!
      Here it is –

      B.S. Meter – A Beginner’s Manual

      IT IS OK TO ASK QUESTIONS! If the answer makes you feel uncomfortable – trust your gut. Check things out from another perspective. If the person you are questioning acts arrogant or has an attitude about your question- walk away!!!

      If something looks too good to be true, it probably is.

      If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck – it’s a duck!

      ALWAYS GET IT IN WRITING!!!!

      Lastly, PLEASE read this book. I know it will help you in your healing process.

      “Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships”, authors: Lalich and Tobias.

      • Thanks Learning to Think,
        I have also read the book and it helped me realize that I was not alone, that groups like this are abundant all over the world and it helped me to realize that I was not fool but fooled, I was not dupe but duped.
        For our fellow former MST members, if you want to understand the psychological characteristics of our leaders Gregg Hake, Grant Clarke and Jane Clarke, this book will be very helpful.
        Great book for those interested in understanding Thought Reform and Undue Influence.
        http://www.amazon.com/Take-Back-Your-Life-Relationships/dp/0972002154

      • Learning to Think,
        I know it is a slow process and that we’ve gone through a very damaging and traumatic event.
        Scars will remain but we are moving on, and this blog is really a blessing for all of us.
        How comforting to know I’m not crazy.

  2. Thank you CrossoverPoint for your letter. That is exactly how I have felt! I remember crying so much when Dad was taking us away, and I told Paige, “I’m so scared because I don’t want to harden my heart again.” It seems now that it was not the outside world that would harden my heart, but the betrayal by those who I trusted most and gave all of myself to. I don’t know that I will ever believe in God or God Beings again, but I am slowly learning about myself and learning to care about myself while also learning to put myself first so that others may not walk over me. I know that many people still believe many of the things we were taught, and speaking out like this is definitely against what we were taught; but, I don’t know what to believe and I don’t really care anymore. I would love to punish someone to the furthest extent of the law, but I would rather just let it all go and move on… Rebuild my heart, mind, and soul all on my own. I lost my purpose, but I will educate myself and finally decide what I wish my purpose to be and what I would like to believe. No one else will ever have the right to tell me what to do or believe after I find my strength of SELF again.

    • I hate to say it but you are so right in a way to think that. Also, beware of personal growth and development classes. There are many similarities. I wish you luck in your future and for whatever it is worth, your time there was not wasted believe me. Who you experienced yourself as being is what matters now and always. It is who YOU choose to be in any given time and situation. I think I know who I am speaking to. And, know that you made a difference in my life personally. Anytime I visited for stays there you were so wonderful to me and my family. I thank God to have met you and your family as well and for whatever it is worth to anyone in this blog, I would rather have been lied to and deceived than to have never at all met all of you. It was worth it in the long run to still have most of you as my memories and friends. At times just seeing you guys on my facebook page feed is enough to let me be reminded that even if it was all bullshit, and who knows or will ever know, I loved how I felt about myself as a loving, committed, powerful, open, productive, confidant, connected, woman and servant of the Lord. Even those creeps will never take away anything God has to offer for me.

  3. CrossoverPoint and Young Leader your courage and willingness to speak the truth is so admirable. Thank you. My heart aches when I read your accounts. I never lived at Deerfield. I did visit often to study there and Wales, therefore escapee.
    More later.

  4. I think we also have to realize we trusted some people that we hardly knew too much. We learned to distrust our family, people who had known us forever and had always been with us through thick and thin. How many here can say there was at least one confrontation from a family member wanting us to get out of this cult? I would guess most of us had that (I know I did). I denied I was in a cult, because I just KNEW that I was not in a cult. I KNEW I was going to save the world. I felt bad for may family, because they could not see what I saw. Unfortunately for us, we did not listen to them.

    For those who are reading this that have never been in a cult, understand that people do not willingly enter a cult. People come in for other reasons. We then get manipulated into a cult. By the time they truly “have you,” you are no longer willing to listen to people who see it for what it really is. We cannot go around not trusting anybody anymore. That is not healthy. What we have to do is go back to trusting those we know we can trust. Our family and friends who have been with us through it all would be a good place to start. They can be our new/old core.

    There are many cults all over (estimates range between 3,000 and 10,000), and that is because there is a lot of money to be made in it. As the character Creed from the TV Show “The Office” said, “I’ve been involved in a number of cults both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower but you make more money as a leader.” I don’t mean to make light of the damaging effects of cults. It just shows the nature of cults. Given the large number of cults out there, the odds are good we all know somebody who was in a cult. As we know, it is such a shameful feeling having been in a cult, we don’t share that with people. This is why we may already know someone who was in one. Imagine how we could help if we all came together. Learning to Think, I hope you can get all the help you need. For now, know that you are no longer alone. I hope that can help you sleep better tonight.

    • Hi Corp Exec… thanks so much for that and back atcha… may you sleep well tonight also- thank you so much for your posts. I always appreciated your grasp of remote control…
      I’m sleeping much better now that I know I’m not crazy and I’m definitely NOT ALONE.
      Shine On!!

  5. To those who were members of these cults, my heartfelt thanks go out to you for making your stories known.
    Does anyone know if Gregg is still holding his “Stress Management” classes at Brenau or at the SGS? He seems to be trying to work his way into the higher levels of Gainesville society by getting on the board of the airport. This is probably the reason all proof of Deerfield, MST and AIO cannot be found except through the ex-members.
    There are some very fine upstanding folks in Gainesville who go to the SGS and BS who need to be told where their money is really going….

  6. Desr Meek Servant,
    I can’t tell if you are writing to be sarcastic (in which case, you are a shoe-in for the staff of Saturday Night Live) or if you really sucked back the grape kool aid and it is clouding your ability to think and reason. Dearest, however you need to rationalize that you let yourself be a puppet and refused your God-given right to be a responsible human being, you do it. But at the end of the day, please realize Jesus died not so the bogus leaders of this little sham of a ministry could line their pockets. Stacik them up next to the other “tele-vanelists” who say the way to salvation is to make sure they have a big house and fat bank account. Service to others, remember? And justice for all…

    • The problem is that we were told Jesus didn’t die on the cross. Apparently he was only in a coma.
      And the problem is that we believed that.

    • You nailed it Thea. Meek Servant would be fantastic for SNL or for The Moth.

  7. That’s right. Not only did we believe it, but we learned to laugh at our religion and ridicule it because “Jesus didn’t die.”
    It’s good to wake up, to serve others and make sure there is justice, as Thea said.

  8. I was never in Deerfield and only heard of the group within the past few weeks. However, I was a ‘true believer’ in a different toxic group, The Way International.

    I read the letter and my response was, “Wow…*gulp*” What a poignant letter from “A Meek Servant” showing the heart and mindset of a true believer. The calling, the gratitude, the responsibility to repay those who have brought enlightenment, the heartache, the loyalty, the murder of self….

    Though never with Deerfield, I could completely relate.

    “Meek Servant” – what an apropos name…

    To life beyond and sweet freedom
    ~carol

  9. […] Meek Servant giving up studies, work, family, even partner, only to by laid off without severance pa… […]


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